ansemaru: (pokemon- homos)
 I realize it's not healthy that I'm afraid to RP fictional characters around my friends if they're at all familiar with the characters in question.

I also realize it's not healthy that I'm afraid to write original or long-form fanfiction if there's a chance anybody I'm friends with might read it. I'm not sure if I'm scared of writing or just scared of the repercussions of me writing, but it evens out to the same effect.

When the possibility of playing a character that someone I know cares about comes up, I get a stomachache from the resulting fear and anxiety at the idea that I might not do it to their standards. I'm afraid I'll make the character OOC or ship them with someone "unacceptable" or interpret some element of them the wrong way and it'll let the people I care about down. It'll disappoint them, that they can't even get a decent version of a character they like to play off of, and it'd make them lose faith in my writing ability. It'd prove the age-old hypothesis that I'm incompetent at everything and have bad taste. And as for non-RP writing, I'm just scared that I'll prove once and for all that I'm unable to write fiction for myself or others, that I'll be told it's not even worth improving because I'm so bad, I should just throw everything out. I'm afraid to hear "you're a bad writer and you made me feel worse due to having to read that".

One way to get away from this is, hypothetically, to be less thin-skinned. Maybe I have to level-grind, taking criticism and insults regularly until I "level up" and I can handle them in a more mature manner. Maybe I need to get better at writing so I don't have to fear judgment and criticism and the potential of disappointing people. Maybe I need to get in a place where I'm not afraid of even my friends hating and judging me for everything I do.

I don't even know.

December 2013



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