ansemaru: (pokemon- homos)
[personal profile] ansemaru
 I realize it's not healthy that I'm afraid to RP fictional characters around my friends if they're at all familiar with the characters in question.

I also realize it's not healthy that I'm afraid to write original or long-form fanfiction if there's a chance anybody I'm friends with might read it. I'm not sure if I'm scared of writing or just scared of the repercussions of me writing, but it evens out to the same effect.

When the possibility of playing a character that someone I know cares about comes up, I get a stomachache from the resulting fear and anxiety at the idea that I might not do it to their standards. I'm afraid I'll make the character OOC or ship them with someone "unacceptable" or interpret some element of them the wrong way and it'll let the people I care about down. It'll disappoint them, that they can't even get a decent version of a character they like to play off of, and it'd make them lose faith in my writing ability. It'd prove the age-old hypothesis that I'm incompetent at everything and have bad taste. And as for non-RP writing, I'm just scared that I'll prove once and for all that I'm unable to write fiction for myself or others, that I'll be told it's not even worth improving because I'm so bad, I should just throw everything out. I'm afraid to hear "you're a bad writer and you made me feel worse due to having to read that".

One way to get away from this is, hypothetically, to be less thin-skinned. Maybe I have to level-grind, taking criticism and insults regularly until I "level up" and I can handle them in a more mature manner. Maybe I need to get better at writing so I don't have to fear judgment and criticism and the potential of disappointing people. Maybe I need to get in a place where I'm not afraid of even my friends hating and judging me for everything I do.

I don't even know.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-01-31 01:10 pm (UTC)
handmaid: ([MGS] raiden crying in big shell.jpg)
From: [personal profile] handmaid

kg wouldn't want a sad dad!

you already know i think you can write, i think something to focus on here would be to improve your self-esteem about your own writing and ability. maybe the way is to ask for honest critique and hear things you're GOOD at, and try to evaluate for those in your own writing. i know i didn't start to feel better until i started hearing some good details mixed in with the criticism.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-02-01 06:37 am (UTC)
thene: Frank at the end of TTS, with his facemask open. (frank)
From: [personal profile] thene
heh, I get you, I have one major Do Not Share fandom headzone, and I try to stick to the Second Rule of Void Club; If You Don't Want To Talk About Something, Do Not Talk About It, And Do Not Talk About Not Talking About It. Might be unhealthy but it works, and I don't know that it's so bad to have an unusually-shaped comfort zone? Like, I don't think that maturity really has much to do with it. Writing is vulnerablemaking. You sound like you're under pressure to be perfect at all times, to the point where you're not giving yourself a chance to hear anyone tell you that you're already good enough. No one's writing is perfect and perfect is the enemy of done.

You could always write and not post, or post in a low-pressure environment where you don't know anyone? Or make a sock account? The major risk is that your sock would wind up getting to know people and making friends and then your sock would have to make a new sock account, etc.

December 2013


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